This is a post about me writing this post. About my inner thoughts from the most recent Saturday night. I am fighting effing allergies, and I kinda want to shoot myself in the head.
So anyways, let me indulge in myself for a little while. Read at your peril. You are free to escape anytime you want.
Make of what comes next at your own will. It is kind of incoherent ramblings from a mind that is frustrated with feeling crappy most of the time. Allergies.
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I am here pen in hand listening to Oliver Hart drinking wine thinking about what to write.
Numbers are important. 9:22.
...I took a break and now I have a lot to write, but I think I am going to be interrupted.
I just had a strange feeling.
Milk. Brush teeth. Batman. Choices.
Allergies. Ears. Explode. Feels like it needs to happen. Scary.
Hard to breathe. Nose. Allergies.
My bad thoughts manifested itself as allergies. How do I solve this?
That seems to be THE question.
That question can be asked in many different ways.
Sometimes my thoughts seem to be the stupidest, dumbest thoughts ever except sometimes I think I am God. I think I am God. Huh.
There are still a few things on my mind but I don't write them down. Interesting. Why is that? Is it because I am embarrassed by the content? It is not perverted at all, it's just a strange thing to think of. I guess some thoughts are best kept inwards? Maybe. It's just names, things and the more I want to move on, the more those thoughts are there.
Possibly heard voices outside. Probably dogs. My mind went dark. I thought there might be a couple cold-blooded killers come to finish me. Nervous. Frantic. Inwards.
I am creating all this in my mind and I think, why am I creating this?
I feel very limited mentally. I feel held back by my mind. Am I just plain dumb or am I just a leap away from mind blowing knowledge?
Allergies. Nose. Eyes. Why do I create this? Weird. I think I need to become a better Creator. How?
I am embarrassed by my words, my limitations, but yet I am hoping people read this. [I just looked up how to spell read, cause I was confused. Read can't be pronounced red, but it can.] Huh. Anyways it is funny to put myself in a situation like this. I guess I am liking these uncomfortable situations more now. I guess now is the time to grow. That's cool. I think generally I do stuff on the down low because of belief that I am lacking.
I am stuffing myself with food on the down low, right now. Everybody is in bed. Not me. That is what I do. I am a lone wolf. I like me some company, though.
I feel like I am the centre of the universe where you all are a part of my mind. I feel embarrassed to write that cause it sounds egotistical, but it's totally true. Sorry... ? Maybe... ?
Food. Food. My head sounds like Jen. Wonder why?
Getting lost in a taste is truly mastery. The taste seems endless.
11:11. Made me affright with laughter.
Allergies. Nose. Eyes. Benadryl working, yet? I took a Benadryl. It feels like cheating a little, but I think I need the short cut right now. If it works then I will able to forgive myself. I have been making myself crappy with allergies for days now. Why? Time for a change. It sounds fancifully possible.
11:14. Taste still there.
Is this drama someone would watch or is it just plain dumb and boring? Sometimes I can't tell the difference and I'm not sure if that is good or bad. My mind is a mess of confusion.
11:15. Feeling a bit up there. Up there. CuDi.
11:16. Stalled with thoughts that I don't want to share. Is that good? Or is it good if I just make it good? Seems reasonable. If I can do it for that, why can't I do that for anything and everything? That's what being a creator is all about. Right? Right!?
Thoughts of Jen. Good. I feel like Jen, and that feels gooood. Rad, even. Smile.
Food keeps me going. It's my fuel. Without it, I couldn't still be thinking.
It certainly feels like it helps in the immediate. Afterwards though... ?
11:22. Haha. A tad shocking. Still 11:22. Peeking again.
Some people write music when they are in this state. Some people create artistic masterpieces. People achieve. I feel lacking in the achievement area. Am I looking to achieve or am I lazy or do I just not have it? Or have I just plain forgotten?
Nose. Allergies. Eyes. Burp.
Motor-bike... ? No, it's just Carter the Dog. The slug with fur and four legs. Ick. Why does he gross me out?
Still thinking. Probably tired.
Erykah Badu. 14. [?????]
Nate is here. My immediate reaction is to hide what I'm doing. Weird. Am I embarrassed by what I am doing? I catch myself and everything is fine. Of course.
Yawn. Sore throat. Slow burp.
11:30. 12 [?????]. Up there. 11 [?????]. Up there.
Feels like fuel [?????].
I could possibly be a frustrated writer. That's what blogs are about. People practicing writing.
Left eye. Teeth. Food. Upgrade. Hurts. Hums. Slight vibration.
Thoughts from the thoughtless.
7. Pop. 11:34 Down. [?????]
Tiring. Brush teeth. Need to sleep. In. Smiley.
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I title this: CuDi and Benadryl.
Well that's it. Stream of consciousness writing. Doesn't seem to help right now. Oh well.
So that is my state of mind, right now.
Best word to describe it: frustrating.
I don't ask for much. I just want to be able to handle my allergies.
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