This is a post about me writing this post. About my inner thoughts from the most recent Saturday night. I am fighting effing allergies, and I kinda want to shoot myself in the head.
So anyways, let me indulge in myself for a little while. Read at your peril. You are free to escape anytime you want.
Make of what comes next at your own will. It is kind of incoherent ramblings from a mind that is frustrated with feeling crappy most of the time. Allergies.
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I am here pen in hand listening to Oliver Hart drinking wine thinking about what to write.
Numbers are important. 9:22.
...I took a break and now I have a lot to write, but I think I am going to be interrupted.
I just had a strange feeling.
Milk. Brush teeth. Batman. Choices.
Allergies. Ears. Explode. Feels like it needs to happen. Scary.
Hard to breathe. Nose. Allergies.
My bad thoughts manifested itself as allergies. How do I solve this?
That seems to be THE question.
That question can be asked in many different ways.
Sometimes my thoughts seem to be the stupidest, dumbest thoughts ever except sometimes I think I am God. I think I am God. Huh.
There are still a few things on my mind but I don't write them down. Interesting. Why is that? Is it because I am embarrassed by the content? It is not perverted at all, it's just a strange thing to think of. I guess some thoughts are best kept inwards? Maybe. It's just names, things and the more I want to move on, the more those thoughts are there.
Possibly heard voices outside. Probably dogs. My mind went dark. I thought there might be a couple cold-blooded killers come to finish me. Nervous. Frantic. Inwards.
I am creating all this in my mind and I think, why am I creating this?
I feel very limited mentally. I feel held back by my mind. Am I just plain dumb or am I just a leap away from mind blowing knowledge?
Allergies. Nose. Eyes. Why do I create this? Weird. I think I need to become a better Creator. How?
I am embarrassed by my words, my limitations, but yet I am hoping people read this. [I just looked up how to spell read, cause I was confused. Read can't be pronounced red, but it can.] Huh. Anyways it is funny to put myself in a situation like this. I guess I am liking these uncomfortable situations more now. I guess now is the time to grow. That's cool. I think generally I do stuff on the down low because of belief that I am lacking.
I am stuffing myself with food on the down low, right now. Everybody is in bed. Not me. That is what I do. I am a lone wolf. I like me some company, though.
I feel like I am the centre of the universe where you all are a part of my mind. I feel embarrassed to write that cause it sounds egotistical, but it's totally true. Sorry... ? Maybe... ?
Food. Food. My head sounds like Jen. Wonder why?
Getting lost in a taste is truly mastery. The taste seems endless.
11:11. Made me affright with laughter.
Allergies. Nose. Eyes. Benadryl working, yet? I took a Benadryl. It feels like cheating a little, but I think I need the short cut right now. If it works then I will able to forgive myself. I have been making myself crappy with allergies for days now. Why? Time for a change. It sounds fancifully possible.
11:14. Taste still there.
Is this drama someone would watch or is it just plain dumb and boring? Sometimes I can't tell the difference and I'm not sure if that is good or bad. My mind is a mess of confusion.
11:15. Feeling a bit up there. Up there. CuDi.
11:16. Stalled with thoughts that I don't want to share. Is that good? Or is it good if I just make it good? Seems reasonable. If I can do it for that, why can't I do that for anything and everything? That's what being a creator is all about. Right? Right!?
Thoughts of Jen. Good. I feel like Jen, and that feels gooood. Rad, even. Smile.
Food keeps me going. It's my fuel. Without it, I couldn't still be thinking.
It certainly feels like it helps in the immediate. Afterwards though... ?
11:22. Haha. A tad shocking. Still 11:22. Peeking again.
Some people write music when they are in this state. Some people create artistic masterpieces. People achieve. I feel lacking in the achievement area. Am I looking to achieve or am I lazy or do I just not have it? Or have I just plain forgotten?
Nose. Allergies. Eyes. Burp.
Motor-bike... ? No, it's just Carter the Dog. The slug with fur and four legs. Ick. Why does he gross me out?
Still thinking. Probably tired.
Erykah Badu. 14. [?????]
Nate is here. My immediate reaction is to hide what I'm doing. Weird. Am I embarrassed by what I am doing? I catch myself and everything is fine. Of course.
Yawn. Sore throat. Slow burp.
11:30. 12 [?????]. Up there. 11 [?????]. Up there.
Feels like fuel [?????].
I could possibly be a frustrated writer. That's what blogs are about. People practicing writing.
Left eye. Teeth. Food. Upgrade. Hurts. Hums. Slight vibration.
Thoughts from the thoughtless.
7. Pop. 11:34 Down. [?????]
Tiring. Brush teeth. Need to sleep. In. Smiley.
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I title this: CuDi and Benadryl.
Well that's it. Stream of consciousness writing. Doesn't seem to help right now. Oh well.
So that is my state of mind, right now.
Best word to describe it: frustrating.
I don't ask for much. I just want to be able to handle my allergies.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
I might have jumped the gun
I think, no I know I have jumped the gun in naming our Cob Home. We got our hands on the blue print on the septic, and our building site was over the leaching field. No bueno. You can't build a Cob House over a wetland even though the slope is well drained.
One could be dispirited with clearing all(!) the blackberry brambles for what is now deemed an unbuildable site but when one door closes, another opens. So there goes the flow of life.
The clearing now opens up so many possibilities. The area shows zero signs of being a leaching field except the magnificent growth of the blackberry brambles. We now have a possible perfect site for our chickens or goats or even both.
We left this weekend/Monday/whatever, it doesn't really matter with another possible site for our Cob Home, which will explore later this week when we go back.
I am more than ready to work at any site my Queen deems.
There was talk, not with me as a major player because I am cool with whatever about us, The Hollands moving into the main house with the friend/land-owner and his lovely squeeze and their 6 children combined while we build. That would mean when the house is swollen to the max, there will be 13 people living in the house that (let's call him) "A" built. Now that's pretty cool. That has been happening, but now it officially got verbalized. A contract of sorts.
Our lease on our townhouse in Beaverton is up at the end of August, so we wouldn't move down there full-time until then. Until then, we will probably split time 50/50.
Well anyways, my purpose of writing this is the (domain) name change of the blog. So welcome to "The Life and Times of People who want to Cob: the how tos and how nots of life."
And lets bid "Blackberry Cottage" au revoir.
I might transport the initial blog posts over here, but first I have to find the motivation to do it. If not, then who gives an eff.
One could be dispirited with clearing all(!) the blackberry brambles for what is now deemed an unbuildable site but when one door closes, another opens. So there goes the flow of life.
The clearing now opens up so many possibilities. The area shows zero signs of being a leaching field except the magnificent growth of the blackberry brambles. We now have a possible perfect site for our chickens or goats or even both.
We left this weekend/Monday/whatever, it doesn't really matter with another possible site for our Cob Home, which will explore later this week when we go back.
I am more than ready to work at any site my Queen deems.
There was talk, not with me as a major player because I am cool with whatever about us, The Hollands moving into the main house with the friend/land-owner and his lovely squeeze and their 6 children combined while we build. That would mean when the house is swollen to the max, there will be 13 people living in the house that (let's call him) "A" built. Now that's pretty cool. That has been happening, but now it officially got verbalized. A contract of sorts.
Our lease on our townhouse in Beaverton is up at the end of August, so we wouldn't move down there full-time until then. Until then, we will probably split time 50/50.
Well anyways, my purpose of writing this is the (domain) name change of the blog. So welcome to "The Life and Times of People who want to Cob: the how tos and how nots of life."
And lets bid "Blackberry Cottage" au revoir.
I might transport the initial blog posts over here, but first I have to find the motivation to do it. If not, then who gives an eff.
Ode to Jen
Let me start by saying, my wife's blog YesThanksFrog is essential reading to this blog. She will fill the potholes abysses in my blog. I sometimes tend to leave a mess in my blogging wake, and Jen will help decipher my code.
My ode begins with, everything I (consciously) do, I do for you. I added the consciously, to distant myself from Bryan Adams. Not that I hate on him, I just want my voice to be heard and not his.
You are my drive, my inspiration. I might not be the strongest, the smartest, the whatever, but all my effort is dedicated to you. When my effort seems to be lacking, I am still giving all my worth in effort to you. As my conscious grows, so to will my effort.
When I think I have reached my limit, I strive on wanting to please my Queen. I have to come to realize my Queen is the most giving, the most selfless partner one could have. I am continually amazed by you. I would not be anywhere near the man, the father I am today without you. For that I give you infinite thanks.
For you are my flair. You are constantly coming up with new ideas (is new redundant?) for improving my life. This is the perfect relationship. I benefit from all the giving and in return you take joy/happiness/pride/contentment that your man is all of those. No one could ask for more.
So as a thanks, I dedicate my life to improving your life and all it encompasses.
The biggest benefactor outside myself (well it's all tied together) has been the recent growth of our eldest, Nate. He has always been seen to be a challenge. The love was always there, but he is the trail blaster and sometimes those blasts hurt. Deeply hurt.
Nate has truly blossomed. He has never been so happy, so contented as he has been recently and there is still room to grow and that thought is amazing!
His joy bonds Jen and Me closer. This is truly a relationship with benefits.
As a parent it is about letting go of preconceived ideas of what you think your child should be like, and embracing the child they actually are. So simple.
I feel like I have found the Holy Grail, and now it's time to learn how to use it. Something has been awoken in us. We now as a threesome help and support each other, which now flows down to the two younger children, Maya and Eli. Nate was the early sacrifice, and now his siblings benefit from the work he has put in. For this I am eternally grateful to Nate for all the lessons he has taught me and will continue to teach me. He is wise way(!) beyond his years.
Adults need to listen, truly listen to their seeds. They spit wisdom at a rate that one would think is unattainable by even the most wisest amongst us.
Children are a gift, and should be treated that way.
My ode to Jen drifted a little, but as a mother I am sure she would have it no other way.
I dedicate this blog to Jen, "She's my Queen" and my sanity.
I am embarrassed by words at times, as they are limited by my writing ability but I will write regardless.
When I think I have reached my limit, I strive on wanting to please my Queen. I have to come to realize my Queen is the most giving, the most selfless partner one could have. I am continually amazed by you. I would not be anywhere near the man, the father I am today without you. For that I give you infinite thanks.
For you are my flair. You are constantly coming up with new ideas (is new redundant?) for improving my life. This is the perfect relationship. I benefit from all the giving and in return you take joy/happiness/pride/contentment that your man is all of those. No one could ask for more.
So as a thanks, I dedicate my life to improving your life and all it encompasses.
The biggest benefactor outside myself (well it's all tied together) has been the recent growth of our eldest, Nate. He has always been seen to be a challenge. The love was always there, but he is the trail blaster and sometimes those blasts hurt. Deeply hurt.
Nate has truly blossomed. He has never been so happy, so contented as he has been recently and there is still room to grow and that thought is amazing!
His joy bonds Jen and Me closer. This is truly a relationship with benefits.
As a parent it is about letting go of preconceived ideas of what you think your child should be like, and embracing the child they actually are. So simple.
I feel like I have found the Holy Grail, and now it's time to learn how to use it. Something has been awoken in us. We now as a threesome help and support each other, which now flows down to the two younger children, Maya and Eli. Nate was the early sacrifice, and now his siblings benefit from the work he has put in. For this I am eternally grateful to Nate for all the lessons he has taught me and will continue to teach me. He is wise way(!) beyond his years.
Adults need to listen, truly listen to their seeds. They spit wisdom at a rate that one would think is unattainable by even the most wisest amongst us.
Children are a gift, and should be treated that way.
My ode to Jen drifted a little, but as a mother I am sure she would have it no other way.
I dedicate this blog to Jen, "She's my Queen" and my sanity.
I am embarrassed by words at times, as they are limited by my writing ability but I will write regardless.
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